By Grace We Are Six

On abandonmnent

2012-02-10T18:02:00.001-05:00

If you have never read Message from and Unknown Chinese Mother by Xinran… go and read it.

If you are an adoptive parent of a child born in China. You must.

If you are a family member of a child born in China. You should.

If you are a friend of a child of a child born in China. You should.

It is painful, excruciating actually, to read. But, it is a must.

What I learned from that book is that we cannot, should not and have no right to judge birth mother’s and birth families for their choices. From our vantage point, we simply cannot understand all the history, culture, beliefs, etc. that lead to the abandonment of children in China.

I have encountered many people over the last two years that have expressed anger and disbelief that a mother would abandon their baby.

Heck, there were times when we were in China, that I felt these things.

Anger. Disbelief. They were real feelings for me that I was not expecting.

And I cried for several days in China because of these feelings.

So, I get it.

But, almost a year later from those days in China. A year of processing those feelings, I've come to this....

We must remember that when we try to understand why.... we are using our own culture, beliefs, and biases. These are not the same everywhere and it is simply unfair to judge and condemn.

We may not understand it. But, we cannot or we should not place judgement on that which we do not understand.

I thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY for Grace’s birth mother.

I simply do not know all the circumstances of her life. Or of her family’s life. I cannot, I must not, judge.

I can only pray that someday, in the heavens, I will get a chance to thank her mother to mother.

and I thank God for wrapping Grace in His love and keeping her safe those 17 months while she was in China as He made arrangements for us to be her family.

And I thank Him for choosing us, so completely undeserving of His trust, to care for her.

There they go!

2012-02-08T13:07:00.004-05:00

I had the honor and privilege of driving my friends to the airport this morning to start their long journey to China.

To share in that pre-trip anticipation was so much fun. The wait has finally ended for these friends. and I can't help but be jumping out of my skin in excitement for them.

It all looks so easy to the untrained eye.... "wow, that went fast" people said to us when we traveled, "it seemed so easy".

HA!

Months and months of paperwork.

Of questions, some that are answered, some that will ALWAYS remain unanswered.

You just don't just jump into this lightly. So many people read these blogs... and see the happy smiles on the parents' faces as they board planes, or as they arrive at the airport with their newest addition in their arms surrounded by welcoming friends and relatives.

Of smiling, once orphaned, children with bows in their hair and Mickey Mouse on their shirt.

But, what it often unseen, are the weeks and weeks of indecision. The weeks of praying that God shows you that this IS the right step for you. The almost constant voice that runs through your head "ARE WE NUTS"?

Because, adoption is indeed a little nutty.

The questioning eyes of loved ones. The doubts of your own faith. Of your own abilities. The constant wonder (and fear) of how life will change.

What is unseen... the little one, that almost a year after adoption cries in fear at night. Self-soothes during the day. Rummages for food at all hours. Of very real challenges of attachment and bonding. These are very real stories. I feel it's important to make sure people know... it isn't easy. At all. It's darn hard.

All parenting is darn hard. But, adoption parenting, it just adds another layer.

But while you question and wait... a little ones grainy picture pulls you through your doubts and fears. And while you are indeed afraid... you know that this is all in His hands. and His hands are big. and strong. and in His hands you are so completely and totally safe.

and yet, knowing all that I have said above... about how hard this really can be.... as I watched my friends walk away from the car (at 4 am this morning), towing their suitcases behind them, heading toward the next challenge God has laid before them...

I KNOW this is right. I KNOW without a doubt that how ever hard it may be... it will be SO GOOD! So, so, so good.

Because...

Adoption rocks.

There's just know other way to put it.

Reminiscing and now what?

2012-02-07T14:50:00.003-05:00

I found myself today reading old email exchanges with friends and family from our days prior to China, our days in China, and our days immediately following China.

As we come upon almost one year from our travel to China and as my friends prepare to leave tomorrow... I just can't help but remember and reminisce about every moment of that trip. and how just plain awesome it was.

Don't get me wrong... there were HARD days. I read an email I wrote to my friends about the our orphanage visit. Painful. Painful. Painful. I still can't and probably never will be able to write about that day. The day God broke my heart wide open for orphans. The day I vowed I would never turn my back on the orphan crisis in this world.

and the jet-lag. Oh the jet-lag. Especially coming home. Whew.

But, those days in China were simply magical. I just can't wait to watch the trip from the "outside" looking in as I read their blogs and exchange emails with them. I can't wait to experience the highs and lows with them. For there are SURE to be both.

and here we are almost one-year post adoption and I think we are finally at "normal" here. Normal being... sort of monotonous. I must say.

Don't get me wrong... we are BUSY. VERY busy actually. and the kids are GREAT. Fun and great!

But, no more China to look forward to. and no more "newness" of being a family of six. It's just NORMAL.

I realized last night, that it has been at this moment after the birth of each baby, a year or so removed and we hit "normal", that Steve and I would decide it was time for another baby... or to adopt.

and here we are... no babies in the future. and no adoptions.

So, now what?

It's a lot to wrestle with. All while appreciating the ups and downs of "normal" life and providing for our four with every ounce of love we have.

Has anyone else experienced the "Now what" feeling? cause it's sort of hitting me hard.

Not to say that life isn't full enough. But, it's been 10 years of always anticipated the next big thing.... the addition of a family member to our family. so, now what? What's the plan God? Could you fill me in? Cause it's sort of bugging me. :)

Anyway. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say these next few weeks as I watch my friends experience China.

Right now... I'm remembering.... the nervous anticipation I felt. The million thoughts swimming through my head. The brain that was such mush that it was difficult stringing a sentence together. The sadness of saying goodnight to my kids the night before we left... knowing we wouldn't see them again for more than two weeks. The brain that would NOT shut off. No sleep, prior to, during and after China. The unknowns... of China, of adoption, of Grace, of long-haul travel.

So much anticipation. and yet, so good.

The BIG catch-up post

2012-02-04T13:59:00.017-05:00

Holy Moly. How did the entire month go by without me having one thing to say?

I've been getting a fair amount of harassment from blog followers wondering where on earth I went to.

My excuse...I just couldn't think of anything profound to say.

But, then again... that's never stopped me before. :)

So, here it is. The big catch up post.

********

First, the bad mom I am didn't document one little guy's birthday.

December 29th... yes, that would over a month ago I know.... Devin, our funny guy, turned FIVE.

Man, he counted the days down for this one. Because five. Well, five is a BIG ONE.

We celebrated our Devin with dinner (his choice of course) and chocolate cake.

and he was loving every minute of it.

Poor guy totally gets the bum deal with a birthday four days after Christmas. But, it didn't seem to bother him.

Five... that's not really a baby anymore is it?

Sigh.

*************

We had a little mini-reunion at the beginning of January with two little Chinese children (and their families) we love so dearly.

We met these two kids on the same day we met Grace. We traveled with their families for those unforgettable two weeks in China.

These children and their families will ALWAYS have a very, very special place in our hearts.

I can't wait until the day we can get our whole travel group together... maybe in July!

************

I had BIG plans of having a Chinese New Year celebration at our house this year. Big plans.

But, then the first day of Chinese New Year came and went. And I failed.

Next year. Next year. I keep telling myself.

************

Aside from that big snow in October that left us without power for a week!

(this picture from October)

we only have had one small snow storm this winter.

And I have to say, I'm really not complaining. Last year, is still fresh in my mind and I'd be perfectly happy if we just skipped right over winter and went to spring.

Our backyard turned into the sledding hill and the kids were out there a lot... until the snow disappeared a couple days later.

We dressed Grace all up in her snow pants, boots, hats, mittens and coat.

Our little snow bunny.

Too bad she wouldn't even let us put her down. Even being held caused a fair amount of anxiety. Actually standing in the snow... BIG TEARS.

It was a very similar to the reaction she had to the beach last year.

***************

We had an AWESOME event at our church last week. I mean AWESOME!

Our church, and some 500 community volunteers, packed 252,000 meals to send to the hungry in Kenya. It was an amazing experience.

Big and small participated. We packed rice, lentils for protein, dehydrated vegetables with minerals and Himalayan salt into bags, weighed and sealed the bags and packed them in boxes.

The small... sent love to kids in Kenya by coloring the boxes the meals were packed in.

Check out www.feedingchildreneverywhere.com if you want to work with an awesome organization to host a packing event in your location. They have packing events big and small and they travel around the country.

This is the final product... all 252,000 meals all ready for the container that will ship them to Kenya.

***************

And last but, certainly not least, on Wednesday... TWO families I love dearly will be leaving for China to adopt two beautiful children. Oh my. I can't wait!!!

I just wish I could go. I keep trying to convince them that they really NEED me there. I mean, I could be a great water boiler, luggage carrier, picture taker, etc. Don't ya think?! But, instead I'll stay here and wake up at 5 am to check their blogs to see the latest update. You can follow them too... I assure you, you won't want to miss this!

Introducing my friends...

Jessemyn and Randall... http://morethanwecanimagine.blogspot.com

and R and M... http://rpelley1.blogspot.com/

Follow along and send them a note of support along the way. I know they'd appreciate it!

Thoughts about China

2011-12-28T07:25:00.003-05:00

Truth is. I want to go back.

I long to go back.

I can’t wait until the day I can step foot back in China.

I go there you know. I go there by scouring news articles, using Bandu and copy and pasting words into google translator, and using google maps to “fly” around China.

My heart's longing is to see Bo’ai County, Henan... where Grace was born. I regret having never made it there when we were in China. So I’ve used technology to find something, anything that can give me a glimpse. From aerial satellite images through Google Maps I have seen the mountains and the river, buildings and houses from the sky.

But, I want to smell the smells. I want to breathe the smoggy air. I want to walk the roads. I want to hear the tones of the language again all around me.

A bloggy friend, Johanna, just returned from China to adopt her precious little one. You can read all about their travels and family here.

On her last day in China she wrote these words that captured, so perfectly, my feelings about China. Thanks Johanna for your beautiful words.

(I altered the quote slightly to reflect our family but the rest of the words are hers)…

“China is where my [4th] child was born.

Where we first laid eyes on her.

To us, China will always be a magical and incredible place.

A place where faith became sight.

Where God answered prayers

and where [Grace] was finally and miraculously put into our arms.

Nothing will ever compare to China in our minds.

China is forever in our hearts.

and forever a part of us”.

Yep. That just about says it all.

Christmas!

2011-12-27T16:15:00.007-05:00

The rafters in our house were practically bursting with excitement in anticipation of Christmas.

After quite a whirlwind week with a fair amount of stress, we finally reached Christmas Eve. Thank goodness.

Here are a few pictures... most of which are of Grace, which I'm feeling a little bad about now. But, it WAS her first Christmas home.

The two girls on Christmas Eve.

This little guy has such a sweet heart! :)

Parents of children with cleft palate will appreciate the significance of this photo.

Braden was very excited about his new socks. or maybe not.

Merry Christmas!

Risk

2011-12-23T21:13:00.000-05:00

I look into Grace's deep brown eyes, that seem like they go on forever, and I just can't imagine a day without her.

My friend, who is adopting a little baby boy through domestic adoption, wrote on her blog the other day about what they would have missed if they didn't say yes to adoption.

and man, did it get me thinking and thinking.

What we would have missed if we hadn't taken the risk.

The risk of adoption.

The risk of special needs.

The risk to our finances.

The risk of change.

The risk, that now, looking back, doesn't even seem all that risky. Because when I see Grace I see nothing about risk. I see a nothing but the sweetest little girl that plays, cries, complains, giggles, gives kisses, fights with her brother, and loves. :)

I would never looked deep into brown almond shaped eyes.

I would never heard her sweet voice.

and I would never have known this love.

{Seven}

2011-12-21T21:34:00.001-05:00

My little girl turned 7.

Sigh.

And lost a tooth.

Her first.

All in two days time.

That's a lot of excitement for a seven year old.

We went to dinner at a restaurant of her choice.

and we ate homemade chocolate cake. Also her choice.

and we painted nails in every color.

She's growing up.

It makes me a little sad to think back and remember how teeny tiny she was.

And how big she is now.

But, I also look forward to finding out who she will become!

Be the Difference

2011-12-20T20:51:00.004-05:00

Wow. This makes me weep.

Be The Difference from Videos for AGCI on Vimeo.

What I have learned in the last 10 months.....

the biggest special need these children have is NOT their date of birth (older child) or the medical condition listed on their records.

Their greatest special need....

A family.

I pray more and more families come forward to "Be the Difference".

Are you one of them?

Random thoughts this Christmas Season

2011-12-04T23:23:00.001-05:00

Not sure how it is already December

It really annoys me when I get Christmas Cards right after Thanksgiving… those families just make the rest of us look bad.

Same with the people on Facebook that brag they are done shopping.

Yeah. Whatever people. Keep it to yourself. :)

Can you tell I’m cranky?

Members of our family have been sick for over a month.

I was sick for two weeks.

And Mom’s don’t get a day off.

Like Ever.

When little ones that have asthma get sick… it gets bad.

Asthma is a terrible, terrible chronic disease.

We’ve been to way too many doctor’s this past month.

None of whom seem to help.

Now you know why I am cranky.

I'm a total blog slacker.

Sorry to let down my loyal followers.

But, as you can see... I've got nothing useful to say.

We put up our Christmas Tree up on Saturday.

Homemade children’s ornaments are the BEST ornaments EVER. I LOVE the ones with their pictures on them from years past.

So sweet.

I keep listening to “Third Age’s – Merry Christmas” and cry every.single. time… thinking about last year when we were anxiously awaiting traveling to China and missing Grace SO much.

I am so thankful she is home.

With her family.

And not there. Alone.

I have three friends that will be traveling to China in the next couple months.

FOUR less!

I can’t wait to wake up in the morning and read their blog posts. I SO can’t wait!!

I have to get a shopping list together and split it up between them. Ha!

One can never have too many squeaky shoes.

Right?

I love Worship Service during Advent.

It would be even better if I actually could participate in Worship and not just yell at my kids the whole time.

I love hearing my kids sing Away in the Manger

I also love when they rock out to Go Tell it On the Mountain in our living room.

I do wish our lives could slow down a little in order to enjoy the season a little more.

All fun stuff - Christmas parties, cookie making, gingerbread houses, and carol sings - but it all ends up adding up to crazy busy-ness.

Our Christmas Tree is being held up with fishing line attached to the wall.

Not kidding.

We have TWO birthday’s in December.

Not well planned.

At all.

An almost 7 year old and an almost 5 year CANNOT WAIT for their birthdays.

I, however, can.

I think this also means that I have stop blaming my chubby belly on having babies.

Since I was last pregnant five years ago.

Grace wakes up at night and yells “MA!” “MA!” “MA!” until I come in to get her.

I haven’t posted on this blog in several weeks.

Now you know why.

I’ve got nothing to say.

Or actually, it seems I have a lot of nothing to say.

Grace has a lot to say these days… 100 words in her vocabulary, and growing every day!

“MA!”

We are going to change her middle name to “MO!” (Grace’s version of No)

We are going to change Devin’s middle name to “I didn’t do anything”

My car needs new tires and new brakes.

And that just stinks.

We are going to Disney in 199 days.

I know this because we are doing a count UP paper chain to 100, once we have a 100 links on the chain, we will then count down.

The second link on the chain is going up today.

This was NOT my idea.

Crazy people live in my house.

Braden plays Jolly Old St. Nicholas and Jingle Bells on his saxophone.

Love.

I found Kailey packaging up candy left over from her Halloween stash, and secretly putting the packages of candy in her brothers’ and sister’s stockings.

My cheerful giver.

Sigh.

I’m done I think.

For now.

Sorry for this post.

I really should be banned from blogging.

Merry Christmas Season!

Safe Places

2011-11-17T22:22:00.001-05:00

Grace fell off our bed and onto the hard wood floor yesterday.

Who knows what she actually did to her mouth. Bit something I guess, but regardless it hurt and it bled. A lot. And she cried. A lot.

I immediately picked her up, realized she was bleeding and started sopping up blood with a towel. She cried and cried. And I gently snuggled her and told her it was ok and did all the things a Mommy should in a situation like this.

After a few minutes she wiggled down from my lap, still crying, still bleeding, and she walked herself down the hall to her bedroom (I followed of course). Then she reached up and, through screams, asked to be put in her crib.

And my heart just sank.

Her crib. Her safe place.

I, reluctantly, placed her gently in her crib. And then I stood over her, rubbed her hair, spoke to her gently and told her I wasn’t leaving. And she stopped crying.

I knew I couldn’t force my comfort on her. She needed her safe place.

Which happened to be her crib and not my arms.

It wasn’t about love. It wasn’t about attachment. For the first 17 months of her life her crib was the place that brought her comfort. Those habits don't just go away.

It was just where she needed to be at that moment. The best I could do for my baby girl was to meet her there.

Her wounds are indeed real. It isn't psychobabble mumbo jumbo. I've seen it first hand.

I can't heal her. Oh how I wish I could. But I can't. I pray that God does.

What I can do is provide her with a safe place to heal and LOVE her right where she, how she is, just as she is.

and oh boy do I ever.

A post in honor of National Adoption Month

2011-11-15T12:15:00.005-05:00

The Starfish Story

(adapted from The Star Thrower, by Lauren Eisley)

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good Morning, May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean".

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean"? asked the somewhat startled wiseman.

To this the young man replied "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die".

Upon hearing this, this wise man commented "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said...

"It made a difference for that one".

***************

My husband often has to remind me that I cannot save the world. I know that. I wish I could. But I can't.

There are 147 million orphans in the world. I certainly can't be a Mom to 147 million orphans. (HA! I don't even do Mom to four very well.)

The orphan crisis seems insurmountable. The multitude of reasons behind the orphan crisis seem even MORE insurmountable. Poverty. Famine. Disease. It's overwhelming to me.

But, here's what I can rest my aching heart on...maybe I can't change the world. But, I know that my God can.

I have seen how God works in people's lives. I have seen how just ONE orphan turned beloved son or daughter changes the lives of MANY.

How that one innocent child, that one face, that one story, may be just the one that nudges the hearts of another family and they adopt one.

and then how that one innocent child, that one face, that one story, may just be the one that nudges the hearts of another family and they adopt one.

And one by one lives change.

and then maybe before you know it... you look around (as I do every Sunday during church) and you see the faces of several children who are orphans NO LONGER.

and I see siblings of these children. And I hear them talk. They say things that most 12 year old, 10 year old, 7 year old children don't normally say. They think outside of themselves more than the typical. They think of children here in the US. in China. and Ethiopia. Russia. and Uganda.

Adoption changes lives.

and I'm not talking about the lives of the once orphaned children.

Grace has changed me. Forever.

I know every parent says that about their children. But, this is different.She has taught me about faith. love. and hope. I can't even begin to find the words to describe what she has taught me. It sure makes me wonder what lies ahead for us. Is sure seems that Grace entering our lives...it's just the beginning.

Do I think every family should adopt. Nope. Not saying that.

But, I do think every family should think about ways they can share love with orphans. THAT I do believe we have an obligation to do as humans living on this earth.

How?

Pray for the 147 million orphans all over the world. That they find families. That they have food, water and an education. That the systems that are put in place to protect them, do indeed protect them, but also allow for them to find loving families.

Provide support, either emotional or financial, to families that have decided to adopt a child (or two).

(Here's my plug for my friends adopting two precious children from China, they are traveling in three or four months... please consider chipping in up there in the right corner of my blog!)

Pray for families that are considering adopting one or more of these precious children.

Perhaps your heart leads you to support relief efforts that directly affect orphans. Providing food, water, education to those in need in this country and around the globe.

Sponsor a child.

Mentor a child.

God puts us on this earth to do His work.

While we alone can't change the world... One starfish at time we CAN make a difference.

And remember, to that ONE starfish, your small (or maybe large) act, whatever it is, DOES make a difference.

Just look at the pictures I have posted of these beautiful children. Their faces prove this oh so much better than any words could.

The seat

2011-11-07T23:23:00.001-05:00

It's back.

The potty seat.

I can't believe it.

Do you know what one of things, maybe the only thing, I dreaded most about having another "baby"?

Potty training.

Uhhh! I was done, way done, with potty training after baby number one.

and here we are again for the fourth time.

My girl is a little excited. Even though she has know idea what this is all about. Yet.

She spent about 15 minutes tonight pulling out each and every pair of big girl panties from the packaging.

And she managed to put one cheek on the potty seat. Not both though. Both is a little scary I guess.

It's time.

She tells us when she has to go.

She pulled a "potty book" randomly off the shelf at the library and insisted Daddy bring it home.

And I have learned, three times over, that it is better to do this earlier than later.

Later, they realize they can fight it. Later, it becomes a game of control. Later, it just ends no where good when it comes to a two year old and pee and poop.

So, wish us luck. I've only known Grace for 8 months, but I can tell you... unless we figure out a way to make her think this is what SHE wants to do... this could be difficult. She may win. She usually does.

FIERCELY indendepent, I tell ya.

Here we gooooooo.....

(BTW: Do you think she will forgive me someday for blogging about this?)

Power-less

2011-11-05T20:12:00.002-04:00

We have survived.

I repeat

SEVEN days of no electricity.

No power.

No WATER.

No heat.

A crazy October 29th snow storm literally snapped and cracked millions of trees and completely destroyed our power system leaving us and 800,000+ state residents power-less. The day after the record breaking snow storm, both in amount of snow and amount of damage, 89% of our town was without power. That meant... pretty much everyone we knew was without power.

Even now, 7 days later, 50% of our town is still without power.

I've always wondered what it was like to live like a pioneer woman. I know longer wonder. Thank you very much.

First and foremost, even though it is only late-fall and not the dead of winter, no electricity means it is darn COLD in the house.

Living without water. Oh my. NOT fun.

Washing dishes and flushing toilets with melted snow water.

I'd prefer to never have to do either of those things again.

I'm not sure how we would have survived without friends with generators who shared their warm homes, hot showers and food with us.

I should qualify. STEVE and the boys survived 7 days without power. I gave up on day 6 when the girls and I were invited up to a cabin in Vermont to get warm. Yes... North to Vermont... to get warm.

I'm now sitting in front of this computer screen EVER so grateful for electricity. and HEAT. and running water.

my coffee addiction

2011-10-23T22:45:00.002-04:00

Full disclosure... I haven't actually contributed to the chip-in over there on the right corner of my screen yet for my friends and their two lovely girls waiting for them.

I WILL. But, I haven't yet.

and then I think... perhaps that is what other people are thinking.

I WILL. Someday. Soon. But, right now I don't have the extra money.

So, hopefully I can inspire a few people to contribute with this post.

We live within a tight budget. There's not a whole lot left over at the end of a week. We find ways of doing fun things...

....like driving on up to Keene, New Hampshire for the Pumpkin Festival on Saturday.

But, we packed snacks so we wouldn't spend gobs of money for food. And it ended up being a almost free evening away and a ton of fun for our kids.

Every part of me wants to hand over every penny we have to families adopting. So, here I am trying to figure how we can tighten our belts some more and give more.

And then I think, if I want to see that fund over there on the right side bar GROW for these girls. I must model some of that giving.

Here's my thought...

I love coffee.

I mean. I REALLY love coffee.

I drink it at home.

I drink it at work.

I drink it in the car.

I like Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

I LOVE Starbucks coffee. OHHH.. what I wouldn't do right now for a Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte right now.

With whipped cream.

Thank you very much.

But, my coffee addiction has a draw back...

Coffee costs money.

I make my own at home most of the time. But, I'm ashamed to admit how many times I stop and get coffee to/from work, to/from the grocery story, to/from kids' activities.

Pretty much... to/from anywhere.

I'll find an excuse to get coffee whenever I can.

I have a certain amount "budgeted" for coffee. It's not much. But, it's a little something.

and the fact that I have money budgeted for coffee... but not something budgeted for giving to orphans.

Yea, see I'm all sorts of messed up with my priorities.

So, I'm thinking. Do I NEED to buy coffee to-from everywhere.

The answer is a solid NO!

So, here I am committing to you.... in an effort to spark a little something in my friends out there to consider finding their own coffee-like addiction that they may want to forgo for a couple weeks so they can contribute....

I'm committing to cashing in my bi-weekly coffee fund for something WAY better!

WAY, WAY, WAY better.

and that's sayin' something...because a hot Pumpkin Spice Latte is pretty darn dreamy.

But, these two girls. They need A FAMILY!

a coffee? I don't need a coffee.

So, watch the fund grow as I contribute my coffee fund each week for as long as I need to.

and maybe even longer.

Is there something you'd be willing to "give up" for a couple weeks or months so you can make a contribution?

It sounds ridiculous that I am even considering my coffee-hiatus.... "giving".

It. is. totally. ridiculous.

But, it's what I got right now and I'm tired of sitting back and just saying "soon" I'll contribute.

The time is now.

Maybe next I'll give up my iPhone addiction.

Ok God. I hear you... but now you are pushing it.... my iPhone!? Gasp!

Help Bring TWO Girls Home

2011-10-19T12:51:00.004-04:00

Good friends of ours are in the final phases of paperchasing to bring home TWO very special girls in China.

They are 10 and 13 years old. In China, that means... the oldest is close to aging out of system. I shutter to think what would happen to these girls if V and S hadn't stepped out in faith to bring them home.

Thank God, this family does not live in fear. They live in faith.

My dear friend, Jessemyn, wrote about this family so very beautifully, so instead me writing what she writes so much better, I am just going to plagiarize and post her words here. Hope she doesn't mind. You can also read it on Jessemyn's blog HERE!

Please, if this story moves you, consider chipping in to their cause (see top right corner of my blog). ALL the proceeds will go to V, S and their beautiful family to bring their girls home. $15,000 seems like a lot... but I know it's NOTHING for our God.

So, here's Jessemyn, my guest blogger today...

I am so excited to share with you about a very special family. For safety's sake, I've omitted their true names, but I promise....they're real people with a very real need.

Earlier this year, God began to put adoption on my dear friend V's heart.

It made no earthly sense.

They already have two beautiful, well-behaved, easy-going girls. I mean, why mess with that, right?

Their schedule is busy, with S working more than full-time so that V can homeschool their daughters.

Money is tight.

But friends, V pressed forward. Instead of listening to the reasons it seemed crazy, she asked her husband. And his response? "What took you so long?" (Don't you just LOVE that?!)

They fell in love with a 10 year old girl with cerebral palsy that the world had given up on.

and quickly learned that her best friend was also waiting for a family. Together, they would soon be past the legal age for adoption in China (14)...aging alone in a country where physical deformities are shamed and love is withheld.

How did the H's respond? They filed paperwork to adopt them BOTH!

You see, this family doesn't live in fear. They know that God is bigger. And those reasons that seem to say the idea of adopting is crazy? God showed them that they were some of the very ways God has PREPARED them for this journey.

Instead of worrying that their amazing daughters will be hurt, they choose to think their daughters will be fabulous role models and wonderful friends for their new sisters.

Because V is already an at-home mom, these girls that are developmentally delayed will have the benefit of one on one instruction and the blessing of growing as slowly or quickly as they need.

And money being tight? This family already knows how to pinch a penny. It's been amazing to see how God has honored their faithful walk, by providing much of the needed expenses for their adoption already.

But they still need more help. The cost to adopt both of the girls will be over $40,000! God has provided nearly $25,000 already. Yeah, God! But their adoption will be finalized soon and they still need $15,000. Let's help raise the last $15,000!

If their story moves your heart,
If you can't adopt but feel a burden to help others who can,
If you want to offer hope to some of the least of these,

Click the ChipIN Button at the top right of the page.

Who do you know who might also be moved to help? Your friends? Your church? A MOMS club? A book group?

Join in! Every little bit will help!

Thank you isn't enough...but really...I know these girls will thank you...

just as soon as we get them home!

In the weeds

2011-10-14T22:50:00.005-04:00

I'd love to say that we have life under control. I'd love to say our house is clean. That the laundry is done. We make every appointment and we are never late. And there are no dirty dishes in our sink.

I'd love to say all these things.

The truth is....

We are in the WEEDS!!!!

If you ever have been a waiter or waitress you probably know what I'm talking about.

For those of you that have never heard the saying "I'm in the weeds", let me explain...

Being in the weeds is when you can't think past the moment you are in. If you do think past the moment, all the stuff that lies ahead causes your brain to spin out of control and you can't make any sense out of it. It is when you feel an extraordinary amount of stress to keep up. And even more stress KNOWING that you are NOT keeping up. When you disappoint people that are counting on you. When you barely get to the things you HAVE to get done, never mind the things you want to do... like send a get well card, or a cook a friend a dinner.

There are moments when you are in the weeds, when you really, really, really want to just run out the front door and leave the weeds behind.

Being in the weeds isn't a whole heck of a lot of fun.

But, lately it's where we are. Actually, maybe it is where I am. Luckily, Steve handles the weeds better than me. Always has.

If you could SEE my kitchen right now. If you could have heard me SCREAM at the top of my lungs (to the point of my throat hurting) "ENOUGH!!!!!!" when my kids were bickering this morning.

These are things I am not proud of. But, I feel like I should share... life isn't all roses. It never is. For anyone.

Then we have this whole other thing that causes our weeds to be a bit thicker. Balancing work and life. HA!

I'd love to meet someone that does this balance well. Actually, I think I have but it's certainly not me. I fail at it often. It seems the scales are constantly tipping from one side to the other.

When the kids are sick for several days in a row. Life wins.

And then there are times when I become a bit obsessed with a project at work, or the emails that come through my phone. Work wins.

And this too causes stress. And more of a feeling of living life in the weeds.

I guess I don't have much of a moral to this story except to make sure I keep it real with my friends in bloggy world that I SO don't have it all together.

Like.

At. All.

Ever.

I'll even share a little secret.... sshhhh.... you don't have to have it all together to adopt a child!!!!!! Nope... not even a prerequisite. The social worker when doing your homestudy does NOT ask how clean you bathroom is! Crazy huh?!

But, although I fully admit there are times when I would LIKE to run out the front door and away from the weeds.

I won't.

Some may say "well, your crazy life... you kind of brought this all on yourself".

Four kids. Yup. We did.

But even when I'm living life in the weeds instead of a rose garden.

I wouldn't change a single thing.

Ever.

Beauty in all things.

2011-10-12T13:33:00.009-04:00

Vermont. Beauty.

Children. Beauty.

Family. Beauty.

Friends. Beauty.

All different versions of beauty. Each of these picture show's God's handy work in our lives.

As you can see we had a BEAUTIFUL weekend with our friends L, S, and Z. We are blessed with much beauty in our lives. Including these very special people.

By Day and By Night

2011-10-06T18:43:00.003-04:00

So far, since she has been home, Grace has experienced about three full out night terrors.

And I mean TERROR.

I’ve spoken with many Moms, of both biological children and of adopted children. All kids seem to have them. My bios never did, but I know many that have.

But, I also know that they happen with more regularity in children that have been adopted.

By day, Grace seems to be doing SO well. We are so grateful that her adjustment has gone so well.... so far.

By day, that is.

By night, when these terrors occur, she is absolutely and completed TERRIFIED.

Of what? We will never know.

There is NOTHING like that kind of scream.

And. It. Is.

HEARTBREAKING.

As you try to console the inconsolable you start thinking about all the things that might being going on in that brain of hers. And more importantly, what is going on in her heart.

Then you start questioning your parenting decisions.

Time out?

Daycare/family care?

Working?

Consistency?

What have we done wrong, what have we done right?

You name it.

Last night for a ½ hour when my daughter absolutely could not be comforted…. I thought of it all.

I don’t know if we have it all right. Actually I KNOW we don’t have it all right. But, we are doing the very best we can. With as much information, resources and support we can.

I guess I must take comfort in that.

But, regardless, that doesn't take away the ripping pain through MY heart as she screams.

I continue to pray for her healing heart. I suppose I will pray that prayer all my life.

and tonight, specifically, I pray for my Gracie to have nothing but the sweetest of dreams.

maybe a little terrible

2011-09-28T19:30:00.002-04:00

Grace has found her way to our time-out chair.

In the corner of the dining room, facing the wall.

She's doing a fair amount of hitting and pinching.

The punching bag... her brother, whom she calls Bubba (aka Devin).

The honeymoon lasted a while.

But, I'm afraid it is WAY over.

and the war has begun. Ahhh... the love of siblings.

TWO

2011-09-27T20:40:00.000-04:00

She's TWO!

and certainly not terrible.

We sure had fun celebrating with her!

and remembered last year when we vowed that she would never spend another birthday without her family.

(last year)

So, surrounded by her family. We celebrated her second birthday... her first at HOME...

Eating noodles and dumplings.

and cupcakes.

and another party on Sunday with her family... complete with balloons and cake.

She had no idea what was happening. A little unsure about all the people singing happy birthday to her. But she sure did enjoy the cake. and the presents.

Don't ask about the swollen eye. and the big red marks all over her face from the family party photos...long story for another post.

Happy Birthday Gracie!!! What joy you bring to our lives!

About those mooncakes

2011-09-19T22:10:00.001-04:00

I’d LOVE to say how super delicious they were.

Just like a warm apple pie fresh out of the oven on a cool fall day.

But...Well....

Um....

GRACE loved them! Ate two pieces!

The rest of us… um...

maybe next year we’ll have these instead…

moonPIES. :)

One Year Ago

2011-09-15T18:40:00.003-04:00

During this week, one year ago, I spent many hours with my family (mom, dad, aunts, uncles and cousins) at the bedside of my Grandmother who was in the final stages of life.

At the same time, I was on and off the phone and email with the adoption agency waiting to send our dossier to China.

I knew we could receive a referral at any time… I just didn’t know when the call would come.

I had just left the nursing home, not really sure if, when I returned later that evening, my Grandmother would still be with us … and the phone rang. I saw the Colorado number and knew... This. Was. It.

Steve was home. I was about a 30 minute drive away.

The email came a few minutes after the phone call. I forwarded it to Steve. Got on the phone with him and we both opened the picture at the same time.

There’s really nothing that can ever describe seeing your child for the first time. Especially a child that is a year old and living on the other side of the world. Those first pictures of her were beautiful but also…

OH so scary. This was really it. We were really doing this. Here she was… the real thing, not some dream.

A tiny grainy picture. Taken months earlier of a beautiful baby girl we would call our daughter.

It was two weeks shy of her first birthday.

The convergence of emotions on that day was something that cannot be described in words. How could I be flying SO HIGH seeing her pictures and reading her story for the first time.

And yet…grieving so deeply for my Grandmother?

I went back to the nursing home that evening… and quietly whispered into my Grandmother’s ear….

“We know who she is. Where she is. What she looks like. She is beautiful. We will go and get her as soon as we can”.

The next morning….the matriarch of our big Italian family was no longer with us here on earth.

At the same time, our family welcomed its newest member from far across the ocean.

Coincidence? No way.

God’s hand was all over ever aspect of this adoption. From placing it on our heart years ago, to providing us with her picture just moments before my Grandmother took her final breath, to just this past Sunday when we celebrated my Grandmother’s life together as a family…. during the Mid-Autumn Festival.

As family we celebrated my Grandmother’s life, eating an Italian feast at her favorite restaurant and then sharing a NEW tradition… a tradition of her Great-Granddaughter’s heritage… MOONCAKES!

What I haven’t yet told you about my Grandmother. She was the biggest supporter of our adoption. Some other family members…unsure, confused, and perhaps even scared for us.

Not my Grandmother.

You see… my Grandmother knew what it was like to be an orphan and live in an orphanage. She WAS an orphan. She lived in an orphanage for a period of time in her young life.

I don't believe the wounds of her time in the orphanage ever fully healed. But, perhaps, the news I whispered in her the night before her death, brought her peace.

So, here we are year a later. Truth is, our hearts had been bound to Grace months before we saw her picture... but it was at that moment, one year ago, that we saw her chubby cheeks, fuzzy hair and beautiful brown eyes for the first time.

She was 7000 miles away. But we knew.... she was our daughter. Our Sister. Our Niece. Our Granddaughter

and our Great-Granddaughter.

mornings with four

2011-09-09T12:33:00.008-04:00

I was prepared.

Four lunches were made the night before. Clothes all set. Backpacks ready to go.

ALL I had to do was get myself and four kids dressed and fed and out the door by 8 am.

This morning, this is how it went down....

7:15 - everyone happily eating

7:40 - everyone dressed

7:50 - everyone's teeth brushed

and here is where it starts to go bad.

Approximately 7:58 - two minutes until launch...

I walk into Kailey's room and into a puddle. The rug. Soaked. The hard wood floor. Puddles. The dresser. Soaking wet.

With two minutes until launch, I ask (admittedly, not very nicely) "KAILEY WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE"?

Her response... "oh I was spraying my hair with water and it got a little wet".

I look up and find that my daughter's hair looks like she just stepped out of the bathtub.

"Kailey you don't need that much water... now get a towel and clean this up".

8:02 - four minutes later and now two minutes late.

..... for any of you out there that try to get yourself and four kids out the door in the morning, you understand... Every. Minute. Counts. You run a wee bit late and you miss the bus. and then you have to drive the kids to school. and now you are 10 minutes late. and 10 minutes later the traffic is that much worse. and you end up being 15 or 20 minutes late. All because of one minute....

....back to my story.

8:02 - Kailey decides she doesn't want the pretzels I had packed for snack. She gets out the big bag of pretzels and begins putting her pretzels back in the bag. She then spills the ENTIRE bag of pretzels on the floor.

She cries. Screams really. Knowing that I am likely to be frustrated with her.

Which, of course I am ~~not~~.

ME? Frustrated? NO!

Grace sees SNACK!!!! and runs over and plops herself in the pile of pretzels and begins shoveling them into her mouth. As she gorges herself on pretzels the weight of her little body crushes a good many into bits.

All on my kitchen floor.

It is now 8:04.

I decide to leave the pile of pretzels until.... I don't know when, 4:00 that afternoon when I return home?

I herd the four kids out the door and into the car. Kailey, with soaking wet hair and a tear stained face, realizes she has forgotten her backpack. And that her flip flops were the wrong choice for shoes.

"KAILEY!!!"

Finally, we arrive at Devin and Grace's daycare. I look at Devin's face, apparently for the first time since breakfast, and see that he has jelly ALL over his face.

Then Grace sneezes a few times and the pretzels from the kitchen floor she had shoveled into her mouth a few minutes earlier had come out of her nose and are now all over her face.

As I pull into the parking lot, a good friend waves from across they way. I wave back. A few minutes later I receive a text from my friend "you didn't look too happy, everything OK". Wow. Was it THAT noticeable? 100 yards away and through a car window she knew it was a bad morning.

She has four kids. She gets it.

After that, all went smoothly. Grace went happily to daycare. Devin too. and somehow I managed NOT to strangle my angel Kailey.

Luckily, Braden and Devin cooperated this morning. Imagine if they didn't.

I arrived at work at 9:03.

Whew.

Of course, I handled these 10 minutes (geez was it only 10 minutes... felt like an hour) with much grace, patience, decorum and kindness. Ahem.

and, of course, this is not a typical morning. Ahem.

sleeping beauty

2011-09-08T23:30:00.000-04:00

First.... I should be congratulated. Last Friday (slight delay in my posts as of late), I got all four kids to off to school and daycare and I was at work by 8:50. Somewhat presentable... well, accept for the hole in my shirt that my boss pointed out to me mid-morning.

Pathetic.

My co-workers will tell you... 8:50... THAT right there is a miracle. I'm usually more likely to arrive about about 9:10. I know. I know. To the rest of the working world 8:50 is really late to start a work day. But, I don't think the rest of the working world has four kids. At least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Grace and Devin very happily went to daycare.

I cried.

Mid-day... my awesome daycare teachers sent me a text with the above picture.

Sound asleep on her little cot, monkey tucked ever so safely under her arm. I was told she hadn't moved in 1.5 hours.

She hadn't cried all day... except just once when she caught a glimpse of Devin playing outside. She missed her brother and wanted to go play with him. So sweet.

We are one full week into the school year... how many left?

Another First Day

2011-08-31T09:49:00.004-04:00

And they are off....

It's just me and this little one this morning...

Because the preschooler...

the first grader...

and the fourth grader...

are off doing that thing called school!

Where does the time go?

more firsts

2011-08-28T22:37:00.003-04:00

We have been so blessed that one of us has been able to be home with Grace the last six months. I am so grateful we have had this time. From February to June I was home. When Steve was out of school for the summer in June, I went back to work and he stayed home. It worked out really well.

Now, it is time for school to start and our lives to return to "normal"... with both of us working.

Last week, for the first time, Grace was left all day with someone other than me or Steve. My cousin watched all four kids all day long. Grace did great. But, with her siblings around... I wasn't surprised. Her siblings are her security blanket. If they are comfortable... she seems to sense that it is OK for her to be comfortable.

Today, was the first time at daycare. It was trial run.. she only went for a couple hours. This would be the first time without her siblings around.

She did great. She did not cry. She did not whine. and she played and played!

I'm grateful. I truly am. I can't imagine leaving her at daycare with her screaming.

But, at the same time... I can't help but think.... what does this mean?

I REALLY try not to read into everything. You could really drive yourself crazy. But, I just can't help but wonder if her easy transition to daycare has anything to do with her attachment to us, or lack thereof?

I always comment on her independence. She is so incredibly independent. Sometimes in a good way... but sometimes I wonder... has 17 months living in an institutional setting forced her to learn independence as a wee little one, far before any child should?

Sigh.

As usual, I don't have answers. Just questions.

Anyway, we will gladly accept that she was happy at daycare. And we hope she learns to love her teachers... as we do. They are fantastic.

But, there will always be that part of me that worries and wonders.

Outer Banks

2011-08-27T09:40:00.013-04:00

We had a fantastic time on our trip to the Outer Banks, NC. It was beautiful. and SO fun.

We played on the beach. and we played at the pool.

We played bingo, and had water balloon tosses. Played tennis and road bikes.

We built sand castles. and collected shells.

Well some of us did. Some of us (one) sat on the blanket or chair and didn't touch the sand until less than 12 hours before leaving. That would be Grace. She DID NOT like the sand... or the ocean. Poor girl.

We had a few incidences... a little brush up with a jelly fish, pricks by a cactus (yes, I said cactus) and a very large wave that pummeled one boogie boarder named Braden.

But overall, it was a lot of sun. and a lot of surf.

and it was a great time!

Now, we watch the news and the very beaches we were sitting on a week ago are getting pounded by Hurricane Irene. And we sit at our house today anxiously awaiting the arrival of Ms. Irene here early tomorrow morning.

After weather the storm... school starts. Time flies when you are having fun!

the empress and her court

2011-08-22T17:10:00.000-04:00

We interupt this blog

2011-08-14T09:25:00.002-04:00

With a Outer Banks beach vacation.

Oh yeah.

Sun, surf, bike riding, ice cream, pool side games,basketball, shuffle board...

I'm thinking there might be a few pictures to share.

Hoping Grace's absolute terror of the sand and surf (and the bike helmet) dissipates. Poor girl.

I'll be back next week with some stories to share.

FIRST ever Red Sox Game

2011-08-09T20:00:00.000-04:00

It was a good night.

One on one time with Daddy.

Ice cream in a helmet.

A face painting of Wally the Green Monster.

The biggest bag of kettle corn EVER.

and they even made it on TV with their awesome (made by Mom) sign!

The TV announcer said as they showed the two of them on TV... "First Baseball game AND Dad's birthday... couldn't get much better than that".

I agree.

and I think Steve and Devin do too.

We have arrived

2011-08-08T19:15:00.000-04:00

Steve's days of mowing the lawn.... ARE OVER!

Ahhh.... it's good to be the parent.

Like a fish

2011-08-07T19:13:00.003-04:00

Braden (and the rest of us) spent HOURS at the pool this summer. Braden is on our town's summer swim team. He practiced at least once a day during the week.

He NEVER ONCE complained about going to practice... sometimes he wanted to go twice in a day. He listened to his coaches, he worked VERY hard. And most importantly, he had fun!

His hard work payed off!

Yesterday, at "swim championships" Braden got personal best times in EVERY event he raced. 50 yard freestyle. 50 yard backstroke. 25 yard butterfly and 100 yard freestyle relay.

He dropped 8 seconds this season in Freestyle. 20 seconds in backstroke. and he literally cut his time in 1/2 in Butterfly... dropping his time by 23 seconds!!!

It has been so awesome to see him work so hard at something and then see him have great success.

Not only did his times show how hard he worked but his coaches honored him by awarding him the "Boys 9 and 10 Most Improved Swimmer" award!

Way to go Braden! We are SO proud of you!!!!!!

gentle reminders

2011-07-29T18:27:00.001-04:00

A few weeks back… Steve and the kids were at our town pool.

On this particular day we were given a gentle reminder... about loss.

As Grace was happily holding Steve’s hand as they walked along the pool they passed two women speaking Mandarin.

Grace abruptly stopped. And stared.

Steve gently nudged her forward to continue on their way.

Grace wouldn’t move.

In fact, as Steve pulled her little hand and tried moving her forward...she cried and tried to pull him back.

Five months.

And the sound of two women speaking Mandarin made her stop in her tracks. I can't help but wonder what went through her head. Did she think she should go to them... did the sound of Mandarin being spoken bring her comfort... or concern...

I cried when Steve told me the story.

It was such a reminder of the loss that she has endured. I HATE IT! I WISH such loss did not need to have to occur in her life. It's breaks my heart to think of it.

Of course, there was a part of me that wondered… would she have just gone to them… and never looked back?

Maybe?

She is happy… for sure.

She smiles. Laughs. Plays. Hugs. Kisses.

But, that doesn’t mean her loss is not real. Pain and confusion still exists. Attachment... still a work in progress. Healing doesn’t occur over night or in five months. There are very real issues that we are dealing with that are a product of her loss and 17 months of institutional life.

Can a person who hurts still smile. Yes.

But that doesn’t mean they still don’t hurt. And their hearts still don't need healing.

With four young children and a very busy household. We can easily get wrapped up in day-to-day life and forget where she is, where she was and all that her little heart and mind are dealing with... and how much she needs us.

I am grateful that God provides small reminders... like two women speaking Mandarin at the town pool... to focus us, give us perspective and not let us forget.

five months.

2011-07-26T17:43:00.002-04:00

I often wonder where her inner strength and courage comes from.

I have all kinds of images that play in my mind as to what her "China Mommy" is like. I often wonder if her strength comes from her. Or her courage from her father. Grandmother or Aunt? Coming from a rural part of China and one of the poorest provinces... I wonder what her China family has had to, or is, enduring. Poverty? Hunger? Illness? Maybe not. Maybe so. We will never know.

But, I do wonder... is the courage she possesses an innate feature of her heredity.

I have no idea. Just thoughts that often run through my mind.

What I do know is that it takes unbelievable courage for her to have opened her heart to us and to trust us they way she has. Courage I do not think I possess. I'm sure you glad she inherited that from someone else.

She amazes me. Every. Single. Day.

Five months ago...

she entered a different world. with people that looked funny. smelled funny. and spoke funny.

she had a big hole in the roof of her mouth.

she had moderate hearing loss in one ear, and mild in the other.

now...

she understands everything we say.

she had tubes put in her ears and now she hears PERFECTLY!

after a very difficult surgery and recovery.... her palate is repaired and the surgeon is very happy with the way it has healed.

On Saturday, she drank out of straw for the first time. I know, probably not that big of deal to most... but a big deal for a little girl that has never been able to suck.

and her expressive language is coming along really well... she says several words.

Mama, Up (sounds like Mup), Ni-Night, Hi, More, Here, Mine, Blanket...

We are so very grateful for the skilled surgeons that performed her surgery.

She has a remarkable heart. A heart of courage. And full of kindness. She comforts her brothers and sister when they are sad or angry. She gives high fives and MANY hugs and kisses.

She is an extraordinary little girl.

and I think I speak for our WHOLE family when I say we are honored that God has placed Grace in our family to be our daughter, sister, granddaughter, and niece.

Five months...

Then...

Now...

Oh how blessed WE are.

Fourth of July weekend. Magical.

2011-07-23T10:55:00.000-04:00

To say I have too many pictures is a bit of an understatement. It has taken me this long to write this blog post because I haven't had the time to sit down and figure out what pictures to put on here. So, excuse my retro-posting.

While experiencing fourth of July in DC is one that I think every American should experience once in their life and in itself is magical....

Really, the thing that made it magical for us was seeing our friends L, S and Z again.

We met L and S in the Newark airport as we waited for our plane to depart for China. Instantly, I knew we would be lifelong friends.

(L and S just after arriving in China and going through customs in the Beijing airport)

We then experienced the highs and lows of 15 days of an adoption trip to China. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Laughter and Anger. And every emotion in between.

We climbed the Great Wall together.

And visited the Olympic Village.

And we were there together when we held our children for the first time in that chilly government building.

We came face to face with the realities of our children's past. and we did it together. and then we were there for each other in the several days that followed as we shed tears of grief for our children. I will forever be grateful to L for being such a comfort to me after the visit to Jiaozuo.

According to China's records, Z is just a wee-bit younger than Grace. They lived in the same orphanage.... but on different floors. We don't really know if they knew each other at all... but we hope they did.

I thank God for putting these three beautiful people in our lives on that trip.

During the painful wait for TA prior to travel, we all wonder why we must wait SO LONG. We would do anything to travel just a week or two or several sooner.

But, I just can't help but think that if L an S traveled earlier, or if we did... we wouldn't have met.

Everything happens in God's perfect timing.

Now... here are the pictures of our visit to DC. Too many I know....

S and Kailey, fast friends.

L, S and Z live right on Chesapeake Bay. Beautiful.

Braden catching a crab!

Feeding the ducks.

at the White House.

Taking break to cool our feet at the WW II memorial.

Lincoln Memorial.

Watching the changing of the guards at the Tomb of Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery.

At the National Mall waiting for the fireworks.

Watching the fireworks!

YAY Fireworks!

Thank you to L, S, and Z for hosting our crazy crew of six. For being our tour guides. and for making Grace's first fourth of July as United States citizen unforgettable!

camping

2011-07-17T21:00:00.005-04:00

I have never camped.

I know, I know. HOW can that be having grown up in New England?

Actually, I do vaguely recall camping in high school once. But, that's it. and I have almost no memory of it for some reason.

So, after packing up more stuff than we would normally take on a 10 day vacation. We went to a campground up in the western Massachusetts last night with a group of our good friends.

I was reluctant. I'll admit it.

The thought of all those bugs. Not very clean bathrooms, or no bathrooms at all. Sticky sweaty bug sprayed skin with dirt stuck to it. Yuck.

What could be fun about that?

I'll admit it. I was so wrong. It was fun. A lot.

So fun, I didn't take pictures. I was too busy enjoying myself.

If I did you would have seen pictures of kids and friends swimming, during the heat of the day, in a cool clear river.

Friends playing bocci, frisbee and croquet. Swimming in the campground pool.

Eating burgers cooked over the campfire and, of course, kids and adults alike enjoying s'mores.

Two adults and four kids all tucked into one big tent in their sleeping bags to fend of the chill of the night air.

Pancakes and fresh picked blueberries for breakfast and then poking around charming New England towns in the Berkshire's this afternoon.

Beautiful weekend.

I think we will be camping again soon!

Sshhhh! Don't tell his friends

2011-07-14T18:15:00.000-04:00

Braden, our lover 0f everything sports...just like his Dad...

also loves OPERA!

Grandma treated him to the MetOpera's Live in HD performance of La Fille du Regiment.

He watched intently...

All 3 hours.

In French.

Without an intermission.

and

HE. LOVED. IT!

Like an experienced opera goer, not only did he not talk the whole time (an amazing accomplishment for this 9 year with the gift of the gab) but he didn't move. at. all.

He sure did me proud.

11 years.

2011-07-09T08:36:00.003-04:00

11 years. hard to believe

What's difficult to remember is what life was like 11 years ago.

Four kids later, to remember a time without them is almost impossible.

I'm pretty sure 11 years ago we NEVER imagined this life.

My facebook status from yesterday went something like this...

thanks to my husband for dinner out with four whiny kids, followed by a trip to Target to buy a dustbuster and a coffee maker and then a late evening run through of the DVR'd Red Sox game.

Gee... Dreams really do come true. :)

Yes. This is life.

and I wouldn't have it

any.other.way

EVER.

celebrating independence

2011-07-06T20:37:00.008-04:00

There is no better place to celebrate independence than our nation's Capital on Independence Day.

Independence means more to me now than ever before.

Independence....Never looked so cute.

More on our fantastic weekend in DC coming soon!

My excuse

2011-06-30T07:20:00.000-04:00

Do please excuse my blog neglect lately.

As previously mentioned, I went back to work last week.

And walked back into a nightmare.

Budget woes are at a fever pitch.

Layoffs loom.

and stress is high. Very High.

So, please keep us, and the good people I work with, in your prayers.

great pic from china

2011-06-29T21:37:00.005-04:00

I was going through pictures of our trip to China and I ran across this one...

I assure you, I do not have the skills it would take to photoshop this. It's real.

Taken at Shaolin Temple.

Perhaps this man was a great Kung Fu master in his time. Who knows?

I love the grins on their faces. I love the way the woman is looking at Steve and Grace.

and I love that HAT!

By the way, if you ever happen to be in Henan Province, China... don't miss Shaolin Temple! One of my most favorite excursions that we took.

Beauty

2011-06-22T07:15:00.000-04:00

There are real advantages to living in New England.

One is... you can hop in a car, drive a mere 2.5 hours... and be in one of the most breathtaking and beautiful places in the country.

Cape Cod.

That is exactly what we did this Father's Day weekend.

I won't bore you with the 350 pictures (no joke) I took this past weekend.

Just a few, or twenty... I'll post here.

Oh what beauty. and I'm not just talking about the view.

This is the beauty I'm talking about.

It's called. Pure. Fatherly. Love.

Happy Father's Day to my one in a million husband.

Changed

2011-06-21T21:13:00.006-04:00

It's been four months since this perfect gift from God was placed in my undeserving arms.

You may see in these pictures an outward change in Grace's appearance.

But, I assure you...it's really me that has been changed.

My change, although unseen to most, is more dramatic that the size of Grace's chubby legs or the length of her crazy hair.

My heart will NEVER be the same. Thank God.

Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names.

They are easier to ignore before you see their faces.

It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms.

But once you do, everything changes.

~ David Platt

Another school year.

2011-06-17T13:06:00.010-04:00

Oh dear.

I'm just not sure what is wrong with me these last few days.

I can't seem to hold it together.

Every little thing is making me cry.

Like the letter sent home from Kailey's Kingergarten teacher to parents' yesterday. Had me weeping in the parking lot as I read it.

or the bus pulling away this morning carrying my 9 year old to his last day of 3rd grade.

or my little four year, carrying his -too big for him- backpack to school on his last day of school.

or watching my littlest shovel a sandwich into her mouth at lunch, eating a banana with a fork, and drinking her milk all by herself from a regular cup.

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

maybe it's because I see my kids growing faster than I ever thought possible. I know everyone says it. but they do really grow up WAY too fast.

another school year passes. sigh.

maybe, just maybe, my weepiness has to do with the fact TODAY is the end of my time at home with Grace.

After four months of being home... Monday, I go back to being a working Mom.

I love my work. I really, really do. I miss it. I miss my co-workers. I miss my wonky policy friends. and... I can't believe I'm going to say this... but I miss that building I work in with the gold dome!

BUT, I will miss my girl. Grace has the fast forward button pressed and missing one day is like missing two weeks. Her development is progressing so fast. She came home a baby... she is now an almost two year old.

In four months, I have not left her for more than a couple hours... and I think I only did that once. So, next week... well, it's going to be hard.

and here I am crying again.

So, I leave you today with some pictures.

Another school year complete. We started out as a family of five and ended as a family of six.

Can someone PLEASE tell me to how to get these kids to hit the pause button and STOP growing up!

First day of 3rd grade...

Last day of 3rd grade...

First day of Kindergarten...

Last day of Kindergarten...

First day of Pre-K...

Last day of Pre-K...

Four months ago... Gotcha Day...

Four months later...

Yeah. I told you they grow too fast.

innocent?

2011-06-14T08:33:00.005-04:00

Does this little boy look innocent to you?

Let's take a look from a different angle...

Thanks to a friend at church (big shout out of thanks to MP!), this is what Devin looked like Sunday afternoon.

Some of it was done in the pew during Worship.

Most of it was done... while no one was looking... later in the day.

By the way... this did not come of easily. Who makes stamps for kids that aren't washable?

Does he look innocent now?

Where was this child's mother when all this was happening? Geesh!

My conclusion based on the last post and this one...

we need to keep a better on eye on these little ones.

Queen of the Bunk

2011-06-11T09:52:00.007-04:00

Every time I hear Grace say "Mama" my heart grows in size. Even if she is saying to everyone.... because she does... say it to everyone. Oh well. I love to hear her say it anyway.

So, when I stood in the kitchen yesterday afternoon and heard her very loudly calling me from the other room... "Mama, Mama, Mama"... as any good mother would... I went in to respond.

and what did I find?

Grace sitting, very proudly, on Braden's bed.

Braden's bed is the TOP BUNK!!!!

I should have known this was coming. The day before she called "Mama, uh oh, Mama uh oh" and I found her standing on the second step of the ladder, stuck.

So, when I found her 6 feet off the floor on the bed, leaning over the railing... my immediate reaction was to tell her NO! and take her down from the top bunk before she fell over the edge and broke her neck.

But, after, I realized that I missed a GREAT picture. DARN!

So, because the title of Mother of the Year was lost to me years ago. I did what any good blogging mother would do.

I told her to climb again, so I could capture the moment on film.

She looked at me like... "but you just told me know NO"?!

OK, NO!

... but can you do it just one more time so I can take a picture?

Then... NO! don't do it again.

Yeah, I know. I told you I wouldn't win mother of the year.

So, my brave, strong girl climbed.

and climbed.

Stepped over the edge...

and stood OH SO PROUDLY on the top of the bed.

Her gross motor skills seem to be developing just fine. Wouldn't you say?

6 weeks post-op update

2011-06-03T11:41:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it has already been six weeks since Grace's palate repair.

I have no idea what it's supposed to look like in there... but it looks GREAT to me! There is a little tiny hole right where the hard palate meets the soft palate... but it doesn't actually look like a hole, more like an indentation. The surgeon thinks that it will close on it's own.

NO MORE BABY FOOD!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!

We started feeding Grace some chunky foods yesterday... still soft, but chunky. She is LOVING it!

Only problem. She refuses to eat herself. She wants to be fed.

She's no dummy. She knows it's easier to be fed. AND she gets MORE attention.

Like the girl doesn't get enough attention! :)

The last couple days she has started to say just a few words... a LOT of repeating sounds. or at least she is trying to repeat sounds. They don't always come out right, but she sure is trying!

We are hoping slowly but surely the words will come. There is NO DOUBT she understands everything we are saying. Which is just amazing considering she has only been hearing English for 3 1/2 months.

In about a month she will see the surgeon again, as well as the speech and language pathologist. She will also have her hearing re-tested to make sure the tubes that were inserted at the time of the palate repair have helped to improve her mild hearing loss.

Daddy and his girls

2011-06-01T07:30:00.000-04:00

Before the Memorial Day Parade.

Unfortunately, they weren't able to show off their patriotic colors... the parade was rained out.

But we have BIG plans for the Fourth of July so those cutie outfits won't go unseen!

Blossoming

2011-05-31T13:53:00.005-04:00

Over the last couple weeks Grace seems to have jumped with her two little size 3 feet into toddler-hood.

I look at pictures from China... just three months ago... and if I wasn't there, if I didn't see her then and now... I wouldn't believe she is the same girl.

The change in her is just amazing. She seems to be blossoming before our eyes.

This morning, she sat a stool in our kitchen and played with play-do.

As I was taking pictures, she made funny faces at me... giggled and hid her face so I couldn't capture her grin.

But, I caught a few.

Seriously, could she be ANY cuter?

two little girls giggle

2011-05-26T21:17:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I spent a couple hours with my dear friend J and Kailey with her dear friend... M.

It was a pretty normal playdate. Two moms drinking coffee and two little five and six year old girls giggling.

One difference, we just happen to be in a hospital room.

Our friend M, a spicy little princess from Hunan, needs blood transfusions every three weeks, and recently has had to be admitted every three weeks for three days of intense chelation therapy.

So, we thought we'd break up their hospital room monotony and visit. (OK, I'll admit it, it was just an excuse to have coffee with my friend).

I so WISH I had my camera! Darn. It was such a moment worth capturing.

Two little girls, one who happened to be hooked up to an IV, giggled and giggled... and ate chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and painted each others' finger and toenails... and giggled.

I couldn't help but think about how people are surprised or question "why special needs?"... I'm so immersed in the special needs adoption community, I don't even think about it.

So, M has a special need (as does our Grace). Well, I guess? We DID just have a playdate in a hospital room.

But, when I saw those girls sitting in the hospital bed yesterday... one hooked up to an IV, the other not. I just couldn't help but think how M's special need does NOT define her. Just as Grace's special need does NOT define her.

They are just little girls.

Their greatest needs were never the medical diagnosis listed on their adoption papers.

Their greatest need...

A FAMILY.

Because J says this all so much better than me.... go jump over to her blog and read her thoughts about adoption and special needs.

Trust me, it's worth the click.

Nine.

2011-05-19T08:43:00.009-04:00

He looks at the world with eyes full of wonder.

He analyzes and thinks outside of the box.

He does math in his head better than than me.

He LOVES all things sports. He knows all the batting averages of the Red Sox lineup.

He has the most amazing blue eyes... with these crazy long eyelashes. And freckles.

He often eats more than me at dinner. He head reaches my shoulders.

and no matter how much I beg him... he won't stop growing.

He is NINE.

I'm not sure how all this happened.

Happy Birthday Braden!!!! We love you!!!

go with the heart

2011-05-17T10:27:00.004-04:00

As our travel to China approached, I was a bit obsessed with reading books about adoption. Adoption and attachment, sleep, and eating.

Obsessed.

Then we met Grace.

I've read them all. I have. But, when she was finally with us. It was time to throw the books out the window and go with the heart.

That first week in China. She slept. It was GREAT. Other families in our travel group were fighting with the kids to get them to go to sleep, to get them to stay asleep, to have them sleep soundly (mind you... they were all older than Grace). I was feeling blessed. We were sleeping.

Then we came home.

Then she had surgery.

Now we are not.

Sleeping, that is.

Our three biological children have never spent one single night in our bed. They have slept in their own rooms, in their own beds since they were about 8 weeks old and we moved them from the bassinet next to our bed to their crib in their room. And none of them every looked back.

But, we also never even gave attachment and bonding a thought. Why would we?

I knew parenting Grace was going to have to be a different. Sleep arrangements would be one of them.

So, for the first two months home, Grace's crib sat just feet from our bed. We would lie with her to go to sleep. We picked her up and cuddled her with every peep she made. and... we let her snuggle up close to us in the middle of the night when it was quite obvious she wasn't going back to sleep in the crib. alone.

Recently, we moved her crib to her room. She has adjusted to going to sleep on her own without us laying with her or patting her on her back.

But she doesn't STAY asleep.

And here is where I have to just...

let. it. all. go.

Here I have let my heart lead me.

My heart says...

Hold her.

My heart says....

let her sleep WHEREVER she is most comfortable.

My heart says....

I am grateful that comfort to her means... sleeping between the two people who LOVE her the most in the world.

My heart says....

I will NOT regret this. Ever.

I spent 5 1/2 LONG months with a picture of Grace by my bed. It was the last thing I looked at when I went to sleep at night. and the first thing I saw as I rolled out of bed in the morning.

So, if I have to spend the next two years or more with this little one making our bed seem oh-so small....

I will remember the five long months when I saw her face but couldn't smell her.

When I memorized every crease and dimple of her chubby cheeks, but couldn't hear her breathe.

When I dreamed silent dreams of her... dreams where I saw her face, but never did she make a noise because I couldn't imagine what her voice sounded like.

I will let my heart lead me.

Forget the books.

Forget the blogs.

Forget the fears.

Just go with your heart.

In the end, this is what adoption is all about. Actually, that is what being a Mom is all about.

blanket/lovey attachment (reposted)

2011-05-13T15:09:00.004-04:00

***Somehow blogger lost this post that I posted yesterday, but a follower retrieved it for me and I was able to repost, sorry if you got it through the feed twice. Thanks Michelle for your help!***

I'm one to believe that every kid needs to have a blanket or some kind of lovey to bring added comfort to their lives.

So, we have a few lovey's in the house.

There is "White Blanket". White Blanket has been around for almost nine years. It's no longer white... so sometimes we call it "Brown Blanket". It pretty much stays on the top bunk of a certain, almost nine year olds, bed. He doesn't NEED it anymore. But, he sure likes to have it. But, shhhh, don't tell his friends.

Here it is when it was still white, lying next to Braden on Christmas morning a few years ago.

Then there is "Bear". Sometimes known as "Beary". His name is "Bear" because, well... he's a bear. This little stuffed bear with a rattle in his tummy was given to Kailey by her Auntie when she was born. Bear traveled EVERYWHERE with us for many years, usually in the crook of Kailey's arm. Bear went missing a few years back. After a daycare Amber alert went out, Bear returned safely a few days later. Since then, Bear spends most days safely in Kailey's bed. We always know when Kailey is awake in the morning because you hear bear rattle from her room.

Then there is "Star Blankey"... because, well, it has stars on it. Star Blankey is Devin's lovey... although, he isn't quite as attached to it as the other two (ahem, three) are to theirs.

and now... we have Grace's blanket. Actually, blanketS. She has two. She will go for either, but prefers the polka dot one.

Now, why am I telling you all this.

Well, it seems we created a severe blanket attachment disorder with Grace. One that I getting a little concerned about. and NO, I'm really not kidding.

Blanket seems to be the the love of Grace's life. (Blanket doesn't have a name yet, other than ..."Blanket")

She wants Blanket with her ALWAYS. When she is eating, when she is playing, when she is sleeping, when she is getting dressed, she even asked for Blanket when she got in the bathtub.

Hmmm...

I look at pictures... and Blanket is in almost EVERY picture.

This morning, Grace tripped and fell. I was standing right next to her. Instead of reaching up for me for comfort... she walked across the room and layed down on her Blanket.

Um. Yeah.

Should I be concerned? Should I limit access to blanket?

I'm glad she has something that comforts her. But, I fear, her blanket comforts her more than I do.

I've run into an attachment stumbling block. I might have read too many attachment books and I am worrying for nothing.

I do worry for nothing A LOT.

Please advise.

what happened to my post?

2011-05-13T12:54:00.003-04:00

I posted yesterday... now it's gone.

anyway know where it went? what's up with blogger?

do tell bloggy friends... are you having the same problem?

blanket/lovey attachment

2011-05-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

I'm one to believe that every kid needs to have a blanket or some kind of lovey to bring added comfort to their lives.

So, we have a few lovey's in the house.

Here it is when it was still white, lying next to Braden on Christmas morning a few years ago.

Then there is "Bear". Sometimes known as "Beary". His name is "Bear" because well... he's a bear. This little stuffed bear with a rattle in his tummy was given to Kailey by her Auntie when she was born. Bear traveled EVERYWHERE with us for many years, usually in the crook of Kailey's arm. Bear went missing a few years back. After a daycare Amber alert went out, Bear returned safely a few days later. Since then, Bear spends most days safely in Kailey's bed. We always know when Kailey is awake in the morning because you hear bear rattle from her room.

Then there is "Star Blankey"... because, well, it has stars on it. Star Blankey is Devin's lovey... although, he isn't quite as attached to it as the other two (ahem, three) are to theirs.

and now... we have Grace's blanket. Actually, blanketS. She has two. She will go for either, but prefers the polka dot one.

Now, why am I telling you all this.

Well, it seems we created a severe blanket attachment disorder with Grace. One that I getting a little concerned about. and NO, I'm really not kidding.

Blanket seems to be the the love of Grace's life. (Blanket doesn't have a name yet, other than ..."Blanket")

She wants Blanket with her ALWAYS. When she is eating, when she is playing, when she is sleeping, when she is getting dressed, she even asked for Blanket when she got in the bathtub.

Hmmm..

I look at pictures... and Blanket is in almost EVERY picture.

This morning, Grace tripped and fell. I was standing right next to her. Instead of reaching up for me for comfort... she walked across the room and layed down on her Blanket.

Um. Yeah.

Should I be concerned? Should I limit access to blanket?

I'm glad she has something that comforts her. But, I fear, her blanket comforts her more than I do.

I've run into an attachment stumbling block. I might have read too many books and I am worrying for nothing.

I do worry for nothing A LOT. Please advise.

cleft palate repair - an update

2011-05-10T21:01:00.008-04:00

We are 18 days post surgery and Grace is doing SOOOO much better.

She is smiling a little more readily, although still not as much as she was pre-surgery.

She is eating (she is only allowed soft foods) but she is very picky about what she will eat. Her diet has mostly been... yogurt, banana baby food, applesauce, and cream of wheat. That's. about. it. Everything else she downright refuses. EVEN ice cream! She still will not drink from her bottle. Or drink from a sippy cup. Or drink from a regular cup. So, we are still syringe feeding her liquids.

I'm thinking she just might be a little stubborn. :)

We had a follow-up visit with her surgeon yesterday. Thankfully, he palate is looking really good. There are still quite a number of stitches that have not dissolved, he said that could take another couple of weeks. There is a small hole where the hard and soft palate meet, but he expects that will close on it's own.

Most likely she still has quite a bit of tenderness in her mouth. If you could have seen what the inside of her mouth looked like. Oh my. I can't imagine how much it hurt.

The surgeon did make one small revision to the outside of her lip.

I'll see if you can see it...

Before...

After...

If you can see past the drool (oh the drool! it doesn't stop!)....

The cute notch. It's gone. When the surgeon told us after surgery that he was able to repair the notch on her upper lip. Both Steve and I were a bit sad... We're going to miss that cute notch!

But, I also understand that she will be grateful NOT to have the notch when she is 15.

So onward we go... Four more weeks of soft foods. Praying the palate continues to heal well.

There were moments early on that I worried that our bonding would suffer because of the surgery. Is she going to look at me and think about the pain she went through? Thankfully, quite the opposite has been true.

One of Grace's most favorite things to do....

find her blanket laying on the floor somewhere and then walk over to me and raise her arms to be picked up. I pick her up and she pulls her legs up underneath her and lays her head on my shoulder.

Nothing better I'll tell you. Nothing.

I love Mother's Day.

2011-05-09T11:04:00.010-04:00

What's not to love?

Showered with hugs and kisses.

Homemade gifts and cards. Mother's Day Tea Party at the preschool. Sharing tea and snacks with my three littles.

Kids telling you that you are the best mom EVER at least 50 times.

I'm really not. But, don't tell my kids that. It's a secret.

How about when the best husband in the world surprises you with an impromptu overnighter down to the shore. A hotel with an indoor pool.... oh yeah...THAT makes for happy kids.

and happy kids = happy Mom.

seafood dinner. Yum.

and a day at the aquarium.

It really doesn't get any better.

I know you all think YOU have the best family.

Nope. I win.

I do.

How I love Mother's Day.

the big reveal!

2011-05-06T11:22:00.005-04:00

So...here it is!

Welcome to the new and improved "By Grace We Are 6"

What do you think?????

Thanks to Blog Designs by Alexis for her great work. She is speedy. She is professional. And she sure is talented! Don't ya think?!

Hop on over to her site to see more of Alexis' designs and find out what she does with the money she earns from her work.

I think she is a pretty great young women.

Thanks again Alexis.

Technical difficulties!I

2011-05-06T10:08:00.003-04:00

****UPDATE: It seems to be fixed. I don't know how. But, I'm not complaining****

I was so excited to show off my new blog design by Alexis today! (see her button on the right sidebar!)

She uploaded it last night. It's a beauty I'll tell you. But, of course... You wouldn't know, because you can't see it.

Why?

Because, of course, I just couldn't leave it alone.

So...in my attempt to delete an unwanted sidebar item... I seem to have deleted all the pictures and the blog header.

Oh good grief.

Alexis is going to kill me when she reads the "HELP!" email I just sent her.

Sorry Alexis!

having four

2011-05-05T10:27:00.007-04:00

Some ask... so, "what's it like with four"?

Really, the transition from three to four... not that bad. two to three... now that was hard!

We were already outnumbered. Now, we are just more outnumbered.

We already didn't have enough hands.

The house was already loud!

and taking a picture of three kids was only SLIGHTLY easier than taking a picture of four.

Of course, it's busy. very busy. my house is ALWAYS a mess. the laundry is NEVER done. and I still can't figure out what time of day is best to take a shower.

BUT, overall... I recommend four. There is something very even about it.

And, now we have FOUR beautiful smiles that light up our home.

and there is nothing better than that.

SHE SMILES!

2011-05-04T18:30:00.003-04:00

It's been 12 days since we saw this smile. Oh how we missed it.

The scrunchy face grin returns. And we are so grateful.

One long week

2011-04-30T21:05:00.004-04:00

I feel like this week has been a month long.

This has been a hard week.

Seeing your child feeling sooooo terrible, not easy on a Momma's heart. But I know, as hard as my week has been, hers has been worse.

We are beginning to feel like we have done permanent damage to our littlest. She is so unhappy. We are longing to see our Grace's smile again.

The surgeon feels like the surgery was quite "Successful". That is .... he got done what he wanted to get done. But, it was a lot. And it hurts. A lot. The major part of her surgery was, of course, the palate repair. But, Grace also had tissue added to the underside of her upper lip to "release" her lip. Additionally, the surgeon also repaired a small area on the outside of her lip.

The first couple days home from the hospital we were practically forcing her to drink. She refused (and still refuses) a bottle, a sippy cup, and a spoon. The only way we can get her to drink is through a medicine syringe. She still isn't eating. She has eaten two yogurts in a week. That's it.

Mid-week she ran a fever and the swelling on her upper lip got worse. After seeing two doctors in two days... they determined that she must have gotten a virus, because the fever didn't seem to be related to the surgery. A relief. BUT... we had one miserable girl on our hands.

(I kept finding Grace with her blanket laying in the middle of the floor. Just so sad. Here, B lays with her trying to comfort her)

Still, she isn't sleeping well at all. She isn't eating. and she is just barely drinking enough. But, her swelling has gotten much better in the last two days, so we see that as a sign of good things to come. There are also periods of time that she does get off my lap and go play for a little while. For those moments... we are also grateful.

I have no idea if this normal. As much as I have read about cleft repairs, every child is different, so it's hard to really know what to expect and what is "normal".

All I know for sure... I want her to feel better.

(Looking a little better! But, those eyes are just so sad)

Needless to say. We're pretty tired around here. Between trying to nurse our little one back to health and keeping up with the crazy amount of spring activities... we're about to fall over by the days end.

picture

2011-04-27T09:34:00.004-04:00

Just looking over the blog... in preparation for a blog makeover coming soon!

Just so you know, and keeping it real here.

I SO don't look like this picture ------------->

two years ago... yes. But then I waited through a one year adoption roller coaster.

and ate a lot of chocolate.

and stopped getting my hair colored by a professional.

and ate a lot of chocolate.

I'm keeping the picture for now. I like it. It reminds me of days gone by.

THAT was not fun.

2011-04-26T13:22:00.007-04:00

I'm leaving the pictures for the end of this post so that if you would rather not look at yucky pictures.... you can skip it. :)

We are OUT of that darn place.

Grace was finally released to go home yesterday morning after pulling her IV out. Nice work girlfriend!

If you hadn't figured it out... that means we were at the hospital THREE nights. Not one. As we had hoped. Not two. Which we dreaded. BUT THREE.

Between a lot of swelling, dropping oxygen saturation levels, difficulty managing her pain, and her unwillingness to drink anything... we were there three nights.

We barely slept over those three days. She was/is in a lot of pain. But, she is starting to come around and is looking a little better every hour.

We are glad to be home. She is happier. She is playing. She is drinking more (but not a lot) and today she even got to eat a little watered down baby food.

I'm posting these pictures. And telling our not-so-fun story here because I want others who might have children going through this procedure to know what it could be like. Not every kid experiences what Grace did. Many get out of the hospital the next day. But, this is her story.

HEY! According to our insurance company this could be outpatient surgery- and "care can be managed at home" HA! Yup, the breathing tube, the oxygen to keep her oxygen levels up, the multiple doses of morphine in her IV to keep her pain even remotely under control... yeah... all could have been managed at home.

Crazy people. But, I'm not bitter about that or anything.

This is a TOUGH surgery. I am really no wimp when it comes to this stuff. But, this was HARD for me. And REALLY HARD for poor Grace. Her pain was quite bad. Getting her to drink was harder than I expected. and three nights of no sleep is never fun for anyone.

But, she did it.

My sweet girl. I'm sorry you had to go through this. MORE THAN ANYTHING... I wish you didn't. MORE THAN ANYTHING... I wish I could take your pain away. MORE THAN ANYTHING... I want to feed you dumplings and noodles instead of baby food. MORE THAN ANYTHING.... I want you to sleep comfortably. Soon, my girl. Soon.

Here are the pictures...

Looking cute... waiting in the waiting room...

In pre-op playing with stacking cups...

Up in her room, a few hours after surgery...

Friday evening...

Saturday afternoon, almost 24 hours after surgery... finally awake and not crying. Up until this point, if she was awake... she was screaming.

Because who wouldn't scream if you looked/felt like this...

Easter Sunday, her brothers and sister come for a visit...

Going home... just after pulling her IV out...

and today she looks even better. I'll get a picture up soon. :)